The Christmas Club & Shalom Sesame

The Christmas Club

Reegs: Welcome to Bad Dad's Film Review, the only podcast where the Christmas spirit is so low we had to check it for a pulse. Don't hang yourself with tinsel or slit your wrists just yet, because this week's episode sees us getting into the spirit of things, starting off with the top five Christmas songs, and I guarantee at least one of them will make you wish for a seasonal miracle like a sudden and violent meteor strike.

After that, we'll be tackling the 2019 Hallmark movie, The Christmas Club. A movie with a plot so predictable, even Santa won't bother checking it twice. I did three versions of that joke. Do you want to hear them? A plot so cheesy it could give you lactose intolerance just by watching it. Or a movie so formulaic it makes McDonald's

There you go, they're all awful, so pick whichever one you want.

We're finishing things off this week with a trip to the land of my people, and it's obviously never been a better time to be Jewish or Israeli. So we're celebrating both with Shalom Sesame, the missing menorah. All that's left to do is introduce the dads. Resident relic Dan's first up, and he's so old he remembers when Christmas trees were just called trees.

And he remembers when Christmas was a day, not a fucking season that starts in

Dan: that I do remember, yeah.

Reegs: And our penultimate dad this week is a man who needs no invitation to warm his nuts over an open fire. It's Sidey, and then there's me, Reegs. Hello.

Dan: Hello.

Hello.

I was quite excited by this week's main movie cause I can't remember seeing, I must have seen a Hallmark movie before but I don't know when.

Did we do one with Lindsay Lohan a few

Reegs: know if that was a

Sidey: it wasn't explicitly but it was in the mold.

Dan: It was in the

Reegs: But this is a proper Hallmark.

Sidey: yes.

Reegs: And we've got

Sidey: got we did

Hallmark Christmas movie Bingo.

Reegs: Yeah.

Dan: Which, where'd you get these sheets? Res I

Reegs: I from Sidey.

Dan: Right. Okay. Sei. Where'd you get these

Sidey: I got these it's a, actually a cookery website. Right. Called The Kitchen. But it's K I double T C H E N, to give them the credit. And just the person on there who's really into Hallmark movies has made them. So you can go on there and

Dan: really into Hallmark movies has made them, so you go on there and get them. Yeah, I have

Reegs: Well, I have 25 squares on here and I, I ticked off all but 3 on my list. I don't know what you

Sidey: I don't know

Dan: got a few gaps.

Sidey: a few gaps,

Dan: but they all made me smile and chortle. So, yeah, I look forward to getting into

Sidey: I

Dan: I watched the

equalizer.

Sidey: Oh, the Eddie Redmayne one? Oh, sorry, that's the Denzel

Dan: the Denzel, the Denzel one. And, and that was it really. And I'd seen that before, but I was just in, in the mood for a movie to kind of wash over me a little bit. And it's all action and it's pretty good Denzel.

I mean, when I, it's been a while since it, kept me interested.

Reegs: Did

Sidey: you do Moana?

Two?

Reegs: well, the kids have seen

Sidey: okay.

Reegs: I haven't seen it. They said it was good, but everything they said about it makes it sound not very good.

Sidey: supposed

to be a series, wasn't it?

In which

they converted, so it's very, episodal.

Reegs: And the songs don't hit, which is really Yeah.

Sidey: The main song, I Didn't Return,

Reegs: No, Lin Manuel Miranda was probably sitting at home thinking, Well easy now, is

Sidey: is it? What did you watch, Felix?

Reegs: I watched Watcher, which is a Netflix horror mystery thing. I watched it primarily cause it's set in

Sidey: Where we're going.

Reegs: and it's sort of, yeah, I would advise any of us who are going on a stag do to Bucharest to watch this and scare the living Jesus out of yourself.

That's quite good. And I watched accident man hit man holiday. So that features Scott Adkins doing his thing. And that was okay as well.

Dan: So Okay, couple of okay programs, did you watch anything okay,

Sidey: like serious stuff like have I got news for you and whatever and the missus watched diehard without me Which annoying I know Yeah, I know I have obviously seen it but would obviously like to see it again at this time of year so no, I don't think anything of notes particularly You

Dan: that means we've all got plenty of time to talk about our top five and

Reegs: but, there was one last week,

Sidey: there?

is, but we covered everything off.

Reegs: Oh.

Dan: we're super efficient.

Sidey: Yeah, we did.

Dan: Well, it may be somebody wrote us in and and did one, but we're not going to use it.

Sidey: No they didn't, but we're still waiting to hear from Pete, so you know.

Dan: I remember Pete.

Sidey: He used to come on this, we're gonna hopefully gonna see him on, well I say

Reegs: gonna see him

Sidey: should see him on Saturday.

Dan: used to, I remember he used to be quite sound, didn't he?

Reegs: used to be quite sound, didn't

Sidey: I know Chris tonight because he's just working every hour, God sends, yeah, so he's working seven days a week, 365 so yeah, he's not here, so just us three, but let's crack on because we're gonna make, this is slightly different top five isn't it, we're gonna make a playlist.

Reegs: Yeah, and also, I've got a quiz. A Hallmark movie quiz.

Sidey: For

Reegs: Well, whenever you want to do it, to be honest.

Sidey: do it,

Dan: I can't wait.

Reegs: All right, these are true or false plots for Hallmark movies slash, you know Okay, so, this is called the most colourful time of the year. Ryan, an elementary school teacher who learns he is colourblind. Michelle, an optometrist and mother of one of his students, helps bring colour into his life in time for the holidays.

Is that true or false? Is a real, real colourblind?

Dan: I would say that's

Reegs: That is true. A royal corgi Christmas. To win his mother's love, Prince Edmund gives her a corgi and hires Cecily a dog trainer. Edmund and Cecily bond over the dog and discover that love can grow in unexpected places.

Dan: False.

Sidey: I'll say true then.

Reegs: It is true!

Sidey: I'm interesting fact, I'm petitioning to get a corgi at the moment. Really? Yeah, it's not happening.

Yeah.

Reegs: With the little stumpy legs? Alright. That would look really weird next to your big dog though, wouldn't it? Yeah, okay, alright. The Santa incident. After his sleigh is shot down while flying through restricted, while flying through restricted military airspace, an earthbound Santa is sought for questioning by a pair of overzealous Homeland Security agents.

Sidey: False.

Reegs: It's true! It's

Dan: Oh my lord!

Reegs: Rap battle. W. R. A. P. Two rival gif wrapping experts are hired to work together at a high end department store during the holiday season. As they compete to outdo each other with their wrapping skills, they unwrap feelings they never expected.

Dan: I want this to be true.

Sidey: It's

Dan: catch me if you claws. Off the

Reegs: feature. Uh, Catch me a few claws. On the verge of a big break, aspiring news anchor Avery Quinn catches a home intruder wearing a red suit claiming to be Santa's

Dan: Santa's son, True. I'm going to say false.

Oh my lord.

Reegs: and then last one, Santa Claus, C L A W S, another one. When a small town veterinarian discovers her new patient is a magical cat who belongs to Santa, she must team up with a charming delivery driver, played by David Hasselhoff, to return the feline to the North Pole before Christmas Eve.

Sidey: True.

Dan: False.

Reegs: false.

There you go, so there we go. I don't know who won

Sidey: Me, I

Dan: I, I wonder how everybody at home did. I think, you know, bad dads listeners were the winners.

Reegs: Catch me a few claws. There was another one called never been crissed. That's a real one as well.

Sidey: one as well. Amazing. Well that's nice. And it segues really nicely into top five christmas tunes. Yeah Because we've done musical top fives in the past

Reegs: I believe so.

Sidey: We definitely did we did samples I think which made it onto our spotify playlist so you can look that up after this Because there'll be a holiday themed Following this i've got some that I like that feature movies and then i've just got songs that I

like.

Yeah, it's a bit of everything really

Reegs: like. So a bit of everything,

Sidey: Yeah, a bit different from the norm. Yeah.

Reegs: one of my favourite

Sidey: Well, okay, let's pick one from one of my favorite movies of all time, Home Alone. Run Rudolph Run by Chuck Berry.

That's a good one. It's in that. That's a solid. Yeah. Offering. Yeah. I've got a horrible feeling I've got more from

Reegs: I think

Sidey: think I yeah, I think think

I can't hold any of the So yeah, a bit of Chuck Berry.

Dan: nice. Well, okay. I'm gonna i'm gonna keep that. Sort of 60s theme going if you like though chuck's probably a little bit earlier I'm gonna go with little saint nick from the beach boys which is also just a a cool kind of surfy vibe With with christmas and being that we're from jersey and it's always sunny here And there's just surf rolling in all the time.

I thought that'd be a really good

Reegs: Well, I was going to talk about maybe a bit predictable at suffjan stevens.

The singer songwriter who has Described himself when he as a Christmas singer songwriter to Steven Spielberg when he met him. And he's written over 100 songs, including a five EP thing that he released songs for Christmas. Most of it, a lot of it is like traditional Christmas songs just spiced up or done a bit differently.

But, you know, also that is sort of trademark contemplative melancholy or like uplifting ballads, that sort of thing. A couple to call out that was the worst Christmas ever. Like it's one of those that on the surface sort of sounds like a really beautiful Christmas tune, but tells of a really awful one, based on

Sidey: a horrendous fight, isn't

Reegs: yeah, based on a previous experience.

It sounds like when he was growing up, he didn't have much of a Christmas. They just, he describes his parents talking about it as being a kind of pagan materialistic corporate thing, which maybe it is, but also he was a kid and wanted a Christmas and didn't have one. and he's got another one. Did I make you cry on Christmas day?

Well, you deserved it. It's

Sidey: It. It's a great I like titles like that for Christmas songs. And I've got a good one by Tom Waits. It's called Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis. Nice. Which I've got on a separate playlist, which I really enjoy. It's typical, like, Tom Waits fare.

Dan: Yeah,

Sidey: yeah, yeah, yeah.

Reegs: Well, it's one like the, the Ramone's, Merry Christmas. I don't want to fight Tonight. There's like that as well.

Dan: Well, then, then go into a voice that will just compliment Nick Caves. I'm going to go to Judy Garland and have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Sidey: Keeping it traditional.

Dan: keeping it very traditional. But she absolutely knocks it out of the park with and once you sing it, it's kind of the ear worm that's going to stay with you most of Have yourself merry

Reegs: White Winter Hymnal, Fleet Foxes. It's an absolute tune. The former Cocteau Twins bassist Simon Raymond was going to shut down his record label, but then he heard this song. And it inspired him to keep it going and release their album. It's pretty cool. And it's another one that, you know, is that kind of hymn quality that they have, but also tells the tale of his like growing away from his friends as a youth, you know, all those painful experiences.

That's, that was a good one. I wish it was Christmas today. Julian Casablancas. You heard that one?

Sidey: I've got that

Reegs: That's a good one. So Strokesy and that sort of thing

Dan: I I like the rock ones,

Sidey: Well, I've got a couple for you here, by the same band, by the Eels. Christmas is going to the dogs.

Reegs: Tune.

Sidey: It's a real, real strong, that one. And everything's gonna be cool this Christmas.

Eels just fucking rock. They're very cool.

Dan: All right. I'm not sure i've heard that one. So

Reegs: so Eels? Fan of their

Dan: particular christmas song i've heard the eels before but I eels.

Reegs: I think Christmas is going to the dogs was from the Dr. Seuss soundtrack, so,

Sidey: Nice.

Reegs: a bit of movie referencing there.

Dan: Well Navidad was one that I always like to throw in there.

Feliz Navidad. Yeah, yeah. You don't need much more than that. That was by El Vez. I like that one. Otis Redding put out a strong one, of course. Merry Christmas, baby. But it was Bruce Springsteen. He did a recent one, actually, that was, you got a brand new shirt. I just love the way he says shirt.

So it was, I'm going to get you the name of it. Merry Christmas, baby. been that. I'll have to find it for

Sidey: because I

Dan: for the pod, I thought you might know

Sidey: well, I've seen the E Street Band. The first time I saw them was at the O2 and it was at Christmas and they did Santa Claus is coming to town. Yeah. And little Steven had a f g Christmas hat on and it was so rad.

So f g rad. Pete, Pete's a big fan.

Dan: this was a much newer one. And I remember it got played. Yeah, a good few times, not a few Christmases ago, and it's not been played again since I've heard, but was good. I thought it would become a classic to be honest, but it never did.

Reegs: did.

Definitely hip hop is synonymous with Christmas. I've got Christmas in Hollis, Run

Sidey: that features in Die Hard.

Reegs: It does it. Oh, that's good. I didn't realize that santa claus goes straight to the ghetto was a

Sidey: and his brother Snoop.

Reegs: Ghostface ghostface killer taking his not his great. Approach to and it's like great because he's Actually talking in the chorus about sleigh bells and stirring whipped cream into a cup of Nesquik, which is, you know, but it's still got his typically like absolutely hard production and flow.

And then Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer by DMX, which is literally him doing the, what is it, nursery rhyme or whatever it is, but with that really distinctive gravel voice shouting the bars out. And then I just got my noms, which is between two, so I'm going to wait till you do

Sidey: so I'm going to wait to do yours. Mc Lars.

Reegs: know if I know that one.

Sidey: banger.

And take it down a little bit more of a modernish. Well, it's nineties, but Poppy vibe with Ian. I was born on Christmas Day. That's Tim Burgess guess on that one. And then, yeah, I'm just going to, oh no, a couple of other indie kind of ones. Zombie Christmas, that's Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler and. Post Apocalypse Christmas, which is Griff

Reegs: oh, from

Sidey: Animals. Yeah. And then on.

Dan: listen to Led Zeppelin's Merry Christmas, mr. Jimmy,

Reegs: What album's

Dan: of a rare one

Sidey: There's a Kate Bush one, but I'm not actually a massive fan of it.

Dan: was like a 1996 album, rare release, Reegs, but I'm sure somebody out there would know it. Any more from you?

Reegs: for my numbs. I'm gonna let Sidey go

Sidey: well I'm gonna

It was a toss up between I mean, I might just put them both in No, it was it was a toss up between this one is the one that's not making it It was to heck with old santa claus by loretta lynn Absolute fucking banger, but my all time favorite is a snowflake fell and it felt like a kiss by glas vegas

Reegs: that's going

Sidey: real good so that's going in for me glas vegas

Dan: Las Vegas, okay.

There's christmas time of the year green day.

Sidey: No, that's can't go in

Dan: don't like that one? Christmas all over again tom petty and the heartbreakers I thought that was quite a good one. You mentioned santa claus is coming to town. And there's been a few kind of bands that are like the bells will be ringing by the offspring.

That was quite

Sidey: Pete pete's a big fan of

Dan: Yeah,

Reegs: he.

Dan: But the, the final one that I would like to put in it will be Blue Christmas.

Sidey: Well

Reegs: Well this

is a toss up between two artists. I really like either Angel in the Snow Elliot Smith. It might have been about cocaine though. And Christmas will break your heart. LCD sound system. You know that one.

Oh, it's great. Like, you know, considering how much their stuff is like, either like really infectious dance music or like really punky stuff.

This is like one of those like real downbeat depressing

Sidey: B side or something?

Reegs: I only heard it for the first time, right? You said last week. So I was like, right, I've got to start listening. And I saw this one and I like LCD So yeah, it was a depressing Christmas song that the singer's James Murphy had been singing to himself for eight years before he released it.

Sidey: Oh, definitely check that out.

Dan: Spinal tap did one as well, didn't they? Christmas with the devil. So there you go.

Lots there for our

Sidey: Yeah, well, let's

Reegs: we're going to put a playlist together and then what?

Sidey: put it up on Spotify. It'll be there and share it through socials.

Reegs: Can we all

contribute to it? How does it

Sidey: I'll just go through what we've talked about and then any other norms that we get online where they can go in.

Dan: could make the list, so yeah.

Sidey: I am going to be the arbiter.

Dan: taste. We'd

Sidey: if I don't like it, we probably won't make the cut, but you never know.

Reegs: I'm pretty confident I'm gonna get all of mine in.

Dan: many are we going to have on there? Twelve? Or

Sidey: many as I can be bothered

Dan: we like. Right. Okay, well let's hear it.

Reegs: I've

got my bingo notes here,

Sidey: Yeah, if you hear some crinkling of paper, it's because we undertook a new feature this week, which was Hallmark Christmas movie.

Bingo. And the, the idea was that you watched the movie and you ticked off everything that happened and you're trying to make Bingo and whoever got there, bingo. The quickest wins

Dan: and,

Reegs: And

I feel absolutely 100 percent confident that I am going to be the first to

Dan: You may very well be. But just to give people who are wondering what the fuck are they talking about a clue. We have a bingo sheet in front of us. But instead of numbers that you cross off we've got things like a crisis at work or Eggnog, a family heirloom. Main character, welcome home by old acquaintance.

Reegs: a character, that doesn't like Christmas. Main character stressing about work.

Dan: Children in Christmas costumes. A visit to a coffee shop, bakery or restaurant.

Sidey: Playing in the snow. Someone runs a family business. Cozy fire, that sort of

Dan: So this kind of stuff. So, I watched this film

Sidey: film is called The Christmas Club. It's a 2019 film.

Dan: It's

Reegs: based on a fucking novel!

Can you believe it? A novel!

Dan: a novel! It's called Barbara Hinsky Actually, the book quite is

Reegs: Absolutely, this could be just, I forget.

Sidey: I mean, absolutely, this could be just, and probably is, well, I could get, it could be slanderous, but chat GPT could show us that. Did

Dan: did, did any of you recognize our good friend Hammer in this as the lead guy?

I was sure he just looked just like him.

Sidey: like

Reegs: Cameron Matheson and he is something of a star of this kind of thing. He's got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven Christmas

Dan: movies. Oh man, this

Reegs: as well as starring in the murder. She baked franchise.

Dan: the

Reegs: would

Dan: I would, I would love to, I would love to see these Christmas movies put together and you realise he's just a philanderer going around all these different sort of cities around Christmas to, to

Reegs: To knock up women.

Dan: up to women.

Reegs: Yeah, if he was one guy going,

Dan: Yeah, exactly. Just

Reegs: just plowing through

Sidey: got that, like, all American look, hasn't he? He's clean cut, he's

Dan: He's a dreamboat, he's an absolute dreamboat,

Sidey: to me he was too Ken, he was just like

Dan: like Oh yeah, no, that's what it

Sidey: that are clean shaven are fucking weird to me But it also

Reegs: I may describe the opening of this movie, please it starts with a Santa in a small town. There's some sort of Christmas shopping and carol singing. That's a fucking bingo. Literally the 12 seconds

Dan: What have you got? What did you have to cross off the bingo? Santa. Yeah.

Reegs: it literally starts with a shot of a Santa on steps in a small town.

Dan: Yeah.

Reegs: Christmas shopping. They're all walking up and down Christmas shopping. Carol's singing this. Honestly, 12 seconds in,

Sidey: I didn't even get bingo, man.

Dan: Well, I got 39 seconds. I had an actor from a TV series, which was our female lead, who's

Sidey: Elizabeth Mitchell. Elizabeth From Lost. she

Dan: also in Lost, of course.

Reegs: And the Forever Purge, I think as well. One of the Purge

Dan: and then after three minutes, kids needed help with something. I think he had to fix a costume. Around that and then there was yeah, no, that was that was three minutes in you'd done 12 seconds But after 17 minutes, we found there was a crisis at work.

Sidey: Well, it starts off with with Olivia, and she

Reegs: she's, she's sharing some tiny tots how to do some

Sidey: She looked fucking amazing. I was super into her, Olivia. Yeah, her hair looked great. She's wearing lycra at the start in her dance studio.

I was like,

oh, I'm fucking gonna love this film.

Dan: Well, we

Reegs: thought she, she, we see her supposedly a committed dance teacher. She walks out on every dance lesson. She has in this movie to go and do Christmas stuff. Anyway, she's some women turns up, tells her to find a man.

Then her friend turns up and also tells her to find a

Sidey: Yeah, you can't be, you can't be happy unless you've got a

Dan: And well, she doesn't need any men because she's got the studio and everything's brilliant.

Sidey: fulfilled by her role as a dance teacher. As a dance teacher

Dan: teacher in a small town,

Sidey: But she's gonna fuck off and have a walk down the street. And so is our Ed.

Dan: Yeah, and

Reegs: and so is our Ed. Every time he gets

Sidey: Every time he gets shows his feelings, it gets thrown in his face and it all goes

to

Dan: Every time, it's

Sidey: at the holidays.

Dan: Christmas

Reegs: But there's a, there's a little meet cute, isn't there? And it's sort of orchestrated by this woman, Gertrude. She's saved up 80 for her

Sidey: her grandson. Yeah, well there,

Dan: Well there, she's got her 80 and she's worked hard and saved hard

Sidey: for

Dan: that.

Reegs: It gets blown away in a gust of wind and

Dan: outside the shop,

Reegs: they contribute with their own money but then, when they, they sort of make this weird lie up straight away, don't they, about how they found her

Sidey: money. They take, they take pity on her because she, she gives the sob story that she's only been able to save 80 dollars.

It's gone. They go and look for it for about three nanoseconds

Dan: It's clear. It's obvious

Sidey: So they say, oh, what should we do? And he's like, oh, I've got 40 in my wallet. So they come up with this thing that they'll just, Give her the

Dan: And lie about how they found it

Sidey: the camera once it does once they do that the camera kind of lingers on her a little

Reegs: that a little bit. They walk a little bit further

Sidey: Then they they walk a little bit further as they're discussing their

Reegs: clearly July. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Sidey: It's clearly july

I

Reegs: July, which

Dan: Well, it's clearly July, which is why my driving down snowy roads bingo.

Thing was never gonna be ticked off But I did manage to get some eggnog after around

Sidey: 20 minutes

Reegs: I had, 20

minutes 15, I've got random crafty skills because she made little scarves for the, for

Dan: also had love interest is a widow, because yeah, she is a widow A ago

Reegs: Yeah

Yeah.

Dan: Strolling through town, well that was after ten seconds.

So I was, I was fairly confident at this stage I was going to be calling bingo at any, any

Sidey: Because one of mine

Reegs: is also tortured, isn't it? Oh, sorry.

Sidey: One of mine was a main character goes through a breakup and I didn't allow myself to have that because he died, it wasn't a breakup.

Reegs: Yeah. But, edward had a break up, though.

Sidey: Oh, I was just thinking about her the whole time.

Reegs: because Edward's got a tragic story as well,

Sidey: Oh, that would have got me.

Reegs: you know, he had a broken home, or however you describe it, his

Sidey: Her parents, his parents had had a fight.

Reegs: eat pecans.

Sidey: Yes.

Reegs: What?

Sidey: His parents had had a fight

Reegs: he won't eat

Sidey: pecans. So he had an aversion to them. So they break that, aversion by having magical free pecans from a guy. Yeah, Some vendor.

Dan: Some vendor who just got clearly bored of their bullshit story of why they didn't

Sidey: And they were the smallest packs ever as

Dan: just have them just just leave lead me now

Reegs: So they have this big meet queue and anyway, they go their separate ways, don't they? She goes back to the dance studio and shock, horror, the owner is going to tell her that she's selling the place.

Dan: at work across

Reegs: so Olivia's going to have to find a new job.

And the next day, right. There's like a string of like. It's not really a plot. There's basically a string of coincidences that happen, but then the movie's theme is coincidence

Sidey: they meet again when his sister and her dopey fucking husband take their kids to.

Reegs: They

engage in some like really inappropriate flirting don't they for people in their 40s to

Sidey: fifties. Yeah.

Reegs: like he's flirting in front of his sister a bit like oh i'll massage your baubles or what it's not quite

Sidey: It's like

Reegs: bad as that but it's inappropriate anyway and it makes his sister so uncomfortable

Dan: Yeah,

well they keep going back to the the what oh, where should we go?

What should we do today? I'll tell you where you're going. You're going to the one set in this film. That is That is outside. So you're going back to that

Reegs: christmas

Dan: The christmas market the pecan guy now is selling hot dogs.

Reegs: Yeah, there's a lot more of that about her.

She's, we know that she's a

Sidey: do it, that's more romantic. But.

We have learned in one of their little chats about

We know that she's a dancer, but she's explained that to him, how she's so, she was a dancer, now she's a dance teacher. She prefers the teaching. All the fucking shit's gone, hit the fan with the thing and he, he helps small businesses.

Reegs: He's

Dan: what oh my lord he

Reegs: help make people's dreams come

Sidey: he makes a difference in people's lives. So he gets a hard on about his work as well. And it's like, hang on, they joined the dots. What if I helped you?

Dan: This just seems so crazy. This might actually

Sidey: and it leads to one of the most Like, forced plot

Dan: heart wrench. Oh

Sidey: things I've ever seen in a movie.

Dan: you was gonna say

Reegs: Which bit? The whole, him

Sidey: She has to get a loan to

Reegs: Yeah, so now it becomes like a movie, she gets a small business loan.

So we get to see that happen,

Sidey: Right,

Reegs: going through the paperwork and

Sidey: so

she does that she does a lot of admin she she's waiting on the news to get the small business loan she gets the small business loan so she goes to the bakery and buys a decoration which seemed to be significant which i couldn't work out why

Dan: Baked goods. Wait a minute.

Reegs: And Edward and he'd, it was some, they'd been

Dan: 26 minutes. I had baked goods already ticked off, but

Sidey: so and she's going to go and take the baked goods to the bank manager yeah who has awarded this loan because that's what you do you in these completely transactional things,

But

Reegs: But he's Also, she's had a small business loan approved in the run up to Christmas in three days.

Sidey: right, but there's a reason for that because ed is there.

Yeah, and she says oh do you know each other and he's like, well, we just got

Reegs: the bit that, to me, is like the most

Dan: I best

Reegs: of drama in

Sidey: said this is the bit that to me is like the most forced bit of drama in the movie where She gets the arse, because she's like, oh.

Dan: Wait a minute.

Sidey: You, you've told her to give me the

Dan: You've helped

Sidey: and, and he says, he's like, well, I just, I just said that you like really good at your job and you'd be, you'd be a solid, you know, investment and that they could rely on you.

She goes, well, you're a fucking twat.

Reegs: I need you to do

Dan: I needed

Sidey: gets the arse.

Dan: all on my

Sidey: I want to, I, now I don't know if I could do it on my own. It's like, I'm sorry, you fucking mental. Like that to me, I'd be like.

you fucking

Dan: yeah, no, I, at that point we were all kind of annoyed. Even Nelly, who I'm watching this, she said, What is this girl on? She said, why didn't she say thank you? That would have been the appropriate

Reegs: And it also becomes triggering for Edward because it becomes the self fulfilling prophecy about everything shit happens at

Christmas and he's just fallen out with her. So, yes, this weird, contrived third act stuff.

Dan: There is

Sidey: he fucks off doesn't he?

That's basically the end of it and she now has to pick up the pieces. It cuts to her in different makeup because it's, time has moved on, like a day. And it's the day of the performance of their, her stupid little kids doing their

Dan: haven't met.

He kind of just shook her hand at the bank, didn't he? He said, well,

Sidey: Toodaloo, motherfucker.

Reegs: pretty frosty.

Sidey: had his number, and her idiot child, who's got a really weird name for some reason spills,

Reegs: No, Moraine or something

Sidey: spills hot chocolate or

something and uses the napkin to mop it up. So she doesn't have his number to call him.

Dan: Yeah,

Reegs: crossing off.

a

Sidey: but it does

Dan: I I'm crossing off a concerned parent or grandparent here because we've met mum who's been concerned. We've been talking about someone who's dead, obviously the, the widow. So I crossed that one off. There's The love interest kiss. This still hasn't happened at this stage, but they had a little kiss in the,

Sidey: Back on the cheek, yeah, I'm not counting

Dan: I counted that. No man. I counted that. No, a kiss. And I still hadn't seen a, a tree lighting for about 48

Sidey: waiting on someone driving a truck, and at this point I thought, no fucker here's gonna drive a truck. And I couldn't believe I didn't have,

Reegs: They didn't have the budget for a

Sidey: I had someone wearing flannel, and I was like, it must be someone at some point wearing flannel. No, no, nothing. No. And then So it gets to the point where it's gonna be the Christmas performance in the one set that we have, they're in a shop window for some reason and Like

Reegs: Like I say she's talked to us a load of times

Sidey: sister's saying, are you gonna fucking turn up, you silly bollocks, or are you gonna be a fucking miserable prick at home?

And he's like, fuck off, I'm gonna stay

Dan: I've been called away now.

I've got to get out to flag stuff. Because there's a big meeting and really I just don't want to be here because I fuck Christmas in the year

again.

Sidey: time. I don't

Dan: I don't want to do it.

Sidey: it. No. No. He just

Dan: No, no, he just can't win. All he did was

Sidey: He did her a solid.

Dan: Yeah, he did her a solid and he was just too nice. She didn't like it.

Reegs: But they, she changes her mind. 'cause Gertrude talks to her. I think,

Sidey: She does some magic. It turns out to be actual, like actual magic.

Dan: Yeah, Gertrude finds the ornament that she'd come to give him. It was a like a, a bauble for the Christmas tree, but it had a horse drawn cloak Yeah. horse drawn carriage through it to remind them of the fun that they had because they've both never done it on their business meeting.

And and there was 20 and there was also a handwritten note

Reegs: Right, there was 20 that they just let fly into the wind because they're white.

Sidey: and they just let it go, 20 bucks.

The last 80

Dan: that they let go, this 20 keeps on getting passed on. They,

Sidey: It's giving good fortune to people, isn't it? Yeah.

Dan: And they go, Oh, I just found this 20. You have it, poor homeless person or, or you have it

Sidey: Cab driver. Keep the change.

Reegs: couldn't afford this present. Oh, don't worry. I found

Dan: I've been waiting to give it to someone. Here it is. And it all turns out hallmark. I mean, it's lovely. It's, it's all really, really sweet. She comes over. Fingers are No, there's no

Sidey: No, But he does get the ornament. He does turn up, he's waiting in the wings and she goes, oh, you fucking turned up.

I'm so glad, blah, blah, blah. And

Dan: he does turn up,

he's waiting in the wings, and she goes, Oh, you f ing turned up, You know, just not got the loan, I guess.

Reegs: off the loan, I guess. She does find it in her heart to thank

Dan: don't thank me but actually she does find it in her heart to thank him and

Sidey: They kiss, they just have a kiss. Like a Hillmark kiss,

Reegs: And the camera kind of pans back, they've been building this mural, Kids in Town, which we haven't really seen.

And when they put the final pieces in,

Sidey: it's Gertrude,

Reegs: it's Gertrude as Mrs. Claus. And she is the real Mrs. Claus. And earlier she'd said something about my husband works in there or something,

Sidey: and

yeah,

Dan: And

we

Sidey: and that's it. Cut to credits and it ends. And I would like, this is what, this is what I would like.

Right. So you have your Hallmark movie. It's super fucking wholesome. It's, it's all that sort of shit. That veneer of everyone's nice, which is not true. And then it should say to follow. So I don't know if you know, but they've done a partnership Hallmark with the Kansas City Chiefs, the NFL team.

Dan: Right, yeah, yeah, okay.

Sidey: And then there's a, there's a, there's one this year, Hallmark Christmas movie that features the Kansas City Chiefs.

So you get all the blokes who hate Hallmark will watch it at in theory, and all the women who hate American football will watch it. And so you've got like,

then, but what I would like is a, A partnership with PornHub

Reegs: the next

Sidey: to follow the next bit of the story. And you go onto PornHub and you just see them like fucking defiling each other and doing like horrendous, like disgusting

Reegs: defiling each other. Horrendous, like disgusting

Sidey: be getting pegged

Dan: Or even like horror, where they just go around and actually Gertrude is a serial

Reegs: a serial killer.

There's a

Dan: and there's like

Sidey: Bloom House

Dan: a little Christmas cookie they're giving and they're eating them and then they just start foaming at the mouth and he's like MUM MUM MUH and Gertrude's at the door laughing

Reegs: I'll tell you what I would say though, all jokes aside is if you do like, there is a huge market for this kind of thing. This is not my jam at all. But if you like this sort of thing, this was probably not a bad one because the two leads are okay. They've got, oh, it's not exactly chemistry, but they can act.

And

Sidey: she is a proper actress. I mean, she's not

Reegs: them are really good, and they play their characters almost as believable human beings. So, yeah,

Sidey: Merin, Merin was the kid. She's played by Zoe Fish. I really like this. That was really good. Had a great time watching it. It was fun. This is the 2019 vintage.

They obviously don't just do Christmas movies, but of their output in 2019, there was another 22 Christmas movies. I think you're getting up to like double that this year.

Reegs: I've written a note here. I don't know if you noticed this 5912. She has five Christmas trees in her lounge slash kitchen. Did you notice that?

Dan: Yeah. That was fucking I love your home. Yeah, it's small, but it's cozy. You've got five fucking Christmas trees and not that small. But I enjoyed this as well. This was, you need to be in the right mood for it. You need to have the right audience watching this with the kids and the missus light the fire.

Preferably have a, a, a bottle of wine or, or,

Sidey: funny knowing what's going to happen and just waiting for it

Dan: and just waiting for it to happen, particularly with the bingo.

I think is a lot more fun with the bingo because you know, all this stuff's going to happen at some point and okay. A big city boyfriend wasn't in this

Reegs: No, there was no airport scene.

Dan: And a fairly a family heirloom was also missing,

Reegs: old flame didn't reappear.

Sidey: No.

Dan: reveals their dream job. I mean, I could have had that

Sidey: I, I needed the truck. I, I didn't get someone being a Scrooge. Didn't get someone sipping wine. Fuck. I mean, how the

Reegs: look. I didn't get anyone having a cozy sweater.

Dan: Right,

I mean, but you know that's not gonna be, you know, you can still use this sheet for the next one because they'll be good for each and every Hallmark movie.

I would

Reegs: not from me, this is an hour and 20 minutes, but it was, feels like about three and a half hours

Dan: No, for me

Sidey: no,

Dan: I think this is a strong recommend. 10

Reegs: it's not.

Sidey: Shalom Sesame. Yes. I wanted to, because we did a lot of Christmas stuff, so I wanted to pick something that was different. Yeah. Denomination?

Reegs: Yep. And actually, I think Hanukkah this year, I think is near roundabout Christmas Day, which is really unusual.

Sidey: so that's new. I don't know how that works. But this is, so there was this is an anglicized version.

Reegs: It's the Israeli co production of Sesame Street.

Sidey: Yeah, there is a version that's full on Hebrew. Yeah. And this is the English language variant. It does feature original characters, but it also features some of the Sesame Street crew.

Reegs: One of the first original characters we see is Moi Nik. He's a Grouch Brown one. He lives in a, in a broken car and he's the resident grouch of Wreck of Sum, sum, thera, the Israeli version of sort of Sesame

Sidey: Annalisa is going to take her menorah,

is the sort

Reegs: Annalisa is gonna take her menorah, which is the sort of The eight pronged

holding a thing that is become popular with all kinds of religions, I think not just Judaism, but it features heavily in Judaism and as part of the story of Hanukkah, she's taking it to her friend's house to light at sundown and then we get some stiff looking business Muppet being served by Grover.

Is that his

Sidey: Yeah, it is, yeah.

Reegs: he's

given him latkes, which is a kind of potato cake, like a hash brown that you might have at Chanukah. There's quite, there's actually a whole bit

towards the

Sidey: Yeah.

They teach you how to do it properly,

Reegs: ch

Dan: the ha of hanukkah

Sidey: Yeah. She plays a game of tag with a chicken . Yeah. And loses her menorah, which is the whole crux of the episode.

Reegs: Yeah, and then it's, you know, Sesame Street stuff.

So you've got Muppets and then occasionally it'll cut to some, like, really unconvincing children badly telling the story of Hanukkah which is the story of the Maccabees, which was like a group of Jewish freedom fighters, not the band who Turned the Syrians from Israel and restored a temple, and the temple was ransacked, and they didn't have enough oil to keep the light burning, which you're supposed to keep burning, it takes eight days to produce oil.

So, story goes that God gave, that made one bit of oil last for eight days until they had enough to light the fires, the lights at the temple again. So yeah, I don't think they really got that story across

Sidey: No, I didn't pick up on that, to be

Reegs: point, which is a bit of a shame, but that is the central story of Chanukah is what Jewish people are celebrating at this time

Sidey: of year.

Yeah, so you do, you have a load of talking heads from kids about their, that, and then they also talk about their favorite things to eat.

Yeah. So you get some educational content there and then you get the count, love the count.

Reegs: And then

Dan: One.

Sidey: yeah.

Reegs: Count, love The Count. Each one of his pipes

Sidey: each one of his pipes I guess a little smiley face on it and talks good. Yeah

Dan: nice. I'll do like the count

Reegs: And then another slice of life stuff where some kid goes off to make olive oil

Sidey: that's right.

Yeah. Yeah like a little docu

Dan: Did I have any other Sesame Street characters if they totally ripped them off or were they allowed, have

Sidey: no,

Reegs: they,

Sidey: no, it's the same ip it's all the same thing

Reegs: like got, in the beginning, like, credits which we won't hear here it's got a Sesame Street bus, but going through, like, an animated Israel.

Dan: I wonder if they've done it for other kind of

Reegs: Yes.

Dan: Yeah, they have? Yeah.

Reegs: no, no, it's not religion. This is for, this is an Israeli. So it's, you know, it's just in the same way that there'll be an Argentinian or Brazilian or German version

Dan: Oh, I'd love to see all

Sidey: just But you get Bert and Ernie not in this episode, but in it there's Bert and Ernie, there's the Count, Cookie Monster, Comet the Frog, he's all up in it and that, and Grover of course.

Reegs: I think this episode finishes with Telly, who is like the really anxious one.

Sidey: Yeah.

Reegs: And he's playing with, he's playing with dreidels because they wanted to cram everything in one go. And yeah, he was one of the ones that I remembered, Telly. And he's, he's with some bears,

Dan: As, as a, as a parent and you'd like your kids to maybe understand a little more around Christmas and the, the different approaches to it or,

Sidey: The holidays the

Dan: holidays and the different approaches to it. Would you recommend this

Reegs: this one? Well, but yes and no, I mean, this is

Dan: We're just gonna need one answer, I think.

Reegs: but it's complicated because this is just like you say, this is in the same way that you might have an anglicized version of a foreign TV program. This is an Israeli version of a American program. So, Is it the best way to, no, I think there were probably slightly, like I said, neither of you guys seem to get, well, you didn't watch it, but you didn't get the central story.

So I don't think it really conveyed the story very, very well. So no, in that sense.

Dan: No, right. Yeah, it seemed a little bit

Sidey: but

Reegs: it's, it's, you know, it's, it's,

Sidey: it's wholesome stuff.

Reegs: good, wholesome stuff. Yeah.

Dan: How long are we looking at

Sidey: 15

minutes. There's one part out of two.

Yeah.

Dan: Nice. One of those. And this is, I take it a few years old now.

Sidey: 1990. I think

This was

Reegs: old,

Dan: Okay. So you have to dig through the archive for this one

Sidey: Oh, just YouTube? It's on YouTube,

Reegs: But it's strong recommend for Hanukkah.

Sidey: Yeah. Strong.

Dan: Okay. Right. Well, maybe we can check it out over Hanukkah.

Sidey: Do it.

Dan: Hanukkah

Sidey: Christmas's done already. It's over.

Dan: Yeah, we've done it.

Sidey: Get the

Dan: new year now. We can, we can clear the decks.

Sidey: Dan, I think you're gonna nominate for

Dan: Yes, I've got them all ready.

Sidey: You. I don't, I don't believe you

Reegs: Have you honestly?

Of

Dan: I haven't

Sidey: feel free to do another Hallmark movie I'm in for that.

Dan: right. Okay. Well, I'll, I'll bring some kind of fee. Okay. I'm up for that too. I will put them on our Snapchat, we don't have that.

Reegs: Wait, isn't it me actually? He did my disman.

Sidey: Yeah,

Or Pete, or someone, but it's not me, it's definitely not

me.

Dan: me. It's definitely not me. Yeah, okay, we'll have a flip, we'll have a think. There's going to be some hot movies coming your way. And

Sidey: we're also out on the razzle this weekend, aren't we?

Dan: be the real

Sidey: So there'll be some great photos probably online of us being out and all wacky.

Dan: Yeah, what I would do this week if I was you listening to this is one getting a Christmas song that could make the bad dad Spotify playlist. And then I would, you know, be following us for shenanigans. Because no doubt there will be

Sidey: Oh, there'll be hijinks.

Dan: hijinks. We've got a table booked.

Sidey: our Christmas

Dan: the afternoon off.

Sidey: I won't get there till about five,

Dan: we ain't coming home. Early. Probably

not.

Reegs: could be some Tom Fery, isn't

Sidey: it?

Dan: There may be some Tom. There will definitely be foolery.

Sidey: All that remains is to say Sidi's signing out.

Reegs: Riggs has left the

Dan: Dan's gone.